Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I'm Desperate

So, I'm getting down to the crunch!

I am desperate to find a job...I have to make rent, and I honestly don't think I'm going to be able to do it. I have no skills, I don't have a college degree or university education...I've got bits and pieces of here and there stuff. And forget anything else outside of flipping burgers. For God sake! I dont want to flip burgers for the rest of my life, I want to do something that counts! And right now, I'm broke...my bank balance...is in the negatives...credit card...well, pretty much the same thing...I'm drained...and it's really pissing me off because I cant do anything with my life....I just feel like a waste. I may as well be looking for the price of a plane ticket to go back home. It's pretty pathetic...I'm 26 years old, and I dont know what I want to do with the rest of my life....I'm a waste of time, energy, space, of life....my life is wasting away....I might as well just go back home, because I cannot do it on my own.

I thought coming out here, I'd be able to make some sort of money, and pay my student debts back...but I cant even do that. So, I'm going to look at airline tickets back home...it's all I can think of right now.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Being with him

Well, it's almost been two months that my boyfriend and I have been together. There is just so many things I like about him, and the more I get to know him, the more I like. Here's some stuff.

-I like it when he's all dressed up, he just looks soooo....wow!
-I like it when he sings, it honestly melts me...he's got such an incredible voice.
-I enjoy holding hands with him, when he touches my hand it just sends currents through me.
-I like how he looks in a tophat, or old fashioned hat....
-I like that he's old fashioned and that he believes that chivalry isnt dead
-I really enjoy how he holds me close to him and I just feel so safe
-I truly appreciate how he does things for me, buys me dinner, says nice things....even though all I wanted from him ever is companionship
-I like the way he kisses me
-I really enjoy falling for him more and more everyday.
*These are just some of a few

So, I'm trying to get out of this part where Im afraid to say the "l-word" I'm terrified to say it, because the last time I did...everything crashed, and I got my heart broken. That's how I entered this relationship was with a broken heart. And I dont want to compare him to my exes....thats just not fair of me....but what am I supposed to do?!It annoys me that I feel like this...I want to be able to get past it. I mean, I dont want to go through life thinking that every guy is going to be just like the others...because they're not, not all of them. It's just finally when I think I might have found the one....he turns around and breaks my heart. I dont want this to happen. I want John to be the one. It want this to be final. I dont want to continue searching, I just want to make the last call on this relationship.

Well, I guess this is it for now...all I know is that when I choose to tell him those 3 words...it'll knock his socks off!!


Thursday, July 19, 2007

Peachy Keen

Maybe becuase it's that time of the month, or becuase I'm just in a weird mood, but either way...I needed to write a blog about some things that a special someone should know about.

I grew up as a happy person, I was always content...nothing ever really bothered me. However, there were points in my life that I did try to inflict harm on myself.

I can remember once when I hated the way I looked...I was never small, but never huge....this one time I read in a magazine about girls throwing up...and the food wouldnt have an impact on their bodies. Well, I tried it...nothing happend...I just made myself urge, and stomach sick.

Another time, I can remember, I chipped a part of my tooth...I stopped eating for 3 weeks...it was a perfect opportunity to not eat food...and no one really knew about it. I didnt eat at the dinner table, I told mom that I had eaten earlier...anything to get out of it. Well, it didnt last very long.

Another way I tried to hurt myself was by taking a knife to my wrist...it didn't work...I chickened out. I also tried to take a knife to my throat...I chickend out on that one too.

When I was living in Corner Brook, with my bf at the time. I had to go in for dental surgery. Well, before I knew about that...I had taken on an addiction to pills...just tylenol-extra strength. I took as many as 10 pills at a time...then a couple of hours later, it would be 4-6...then more and then more...I think in a period of two weeks, I went through two large bottles of tylenol extra strength. Then came time for the surgery...for after pain, I was perscribed Atasol 30 with codine. I was to only take one as needed. Well, I took them like candy...they didnt have any effect on me. I can remember at one point a couple of weeks later still popping those tylenol that I overdosed on them. I never went into hospital...but I got really dizzy, nautious, and stomach sick. That didnt stop me. I tried to, but I just couldnt. My bf threated to put me into some sort of rehab unless I got help...I lied to him, and told him that I got help-just so that he wouldnt.

I can remember trying to come off that addiction...when I moved back to Labrador City. My best guy friend Jeff was always there for me...he helped me through that time. However, when I went to bible college (believe it or not) I started back up again...I just couldn't get enough pills inside me. I dont know what happened, but about 6mths into school....I didnt have the desire to take any more pills...and I slowly stopped. But then other things took over. I tried to loose weight again...I would skip all the meals I could, and only when people nearly hauled me to the cafeteria I would get a small salad plate, and eat salad... I can also remember trying to kill myself in college. Many times I sat there with a knife and tried and I mean really tried to either slit my throat or wrist...or just drive it through me. But, again..it didnt work...I just couldnt do it. I can also remember walking down town many times and nearly stepping out in front of a car wanting to take my life.

So, this is what I've been through....No, I've never sought help for it...I've just taken it stride by stride. Is it depression??? I dunno...do I still have it?? I dont know...have no idea.

What is my life like now...I no longer have a need to take pills constantly like I did. And I will only take them if I am near death in pain. I havent had the desire to take my life in almost 5 years...so, I am doing pretty good with that. I do get depressed sometimes, but not as much as I used to. Life is not all roses for me, and I do go through a lot...I cant say that my battle is over....it's far from it...Im still trying to keep my head above water....my faith is all that I have to rely on. I know that God is healing me...he's the only one...

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Just some random brain farts

My best friend and past roomate Dawn and I had this thing we would always say..."brain farts" It was when we had sudden bursts of ideas...kinda like farting. Well, here are some random brain farts going on in my head, now passed along onto this.

First off, it's getting quite close to my bf's and mine moving day. I'm really excited, but Im really scared. I'm terrified that I wont find work, even though I know I shouldn't have a problem. I'm thinking I might apply to the Photo Center at WalMart....rather than work in Wal Mart itself. I'm also terrified that I might not be able to afford the rent, plus bills....I could go to the library to use the internet there, not watch tv...only movies, and play ps2, and I wont use the phone...just use a calling card. All these things are going through my mind...plus more....I think a lot, I really do...about everything, and yes it causes stress. It's happened before...I've lost my appetite due to it, I've lost my hair to stress, I've even made myself really really sick by stressing, I'm suprised I dont end up in an instutition. But I guess that's a part of who I am...although I dont really like that part. This is the real thing! I keep telling myself that, and need to give myself a good kick in the pants...but who am I kidding....how on earth am I going to be able to do this!!! See, here I go again...stressing....It's a wonder why I haven't lost all my hair now. Yes, I worry a lot...ask Dawn...she'll tell you....It's an unusal amount for a young woman.

So, our relationship...things are going great. I'm still trying to grasp onto the fact that he's still here. It's just not quite 2 months into our relationship...he hasn't bolted running...but because Im still brokenhearted (which is normal, seeing what I've been through...ask Dawn) It's so hard for me to figure out how someone can love me....and I know why I haven't said those words yet. John told me why...and he read my mind exactly...it's because I'm afraid that as soon as I say them...everything will come crashing down like it did before. Maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone at all...maybe that's why I have such a rotten time with men. And if that's not the reason ...than what is....I just finally want to find the man who God has out there for me...yes GOD....not me!!!

From what my best friend Dawn told me...John has simply wowed her....I trust my best friend with everything....and of course I believe her...however when she tells me that she thinks that this guy could be the one for me....it still runs through my mind...do I deserve him??? He deserves much more than me, much more than I could ever offer. Im still trying every day to get through this.

Another thing that is on my mind...he told me that I was beautiful. The only people who ever told me that were my mom and dad. I've never had anyone say it and mean it...so, forgive me if I dont know how to react...it's completely new to me.

Well, I guess thats enough with the brain farts....i've gotta go to bed......


Saturday, July 7, 2007


It's something that means so much to me. It's a cornerstone on which my life is structured. God is whom I want my life to be centered around, not material things which the world deems important. The only one I have faith in is God.

Right now, I'm going through a lot, and I have faith that God will bring me through it all. I've been praying and reading my bible everyday. No, I'm not this outrageous bible thumper, but I am trying to have a solid relationship with God, and I dont want anything interfering with that relationship.

One of my greatest desires has been to do mission work, work in orphanages overseas...I am and have been looking into how to do that. I'm sure there are churches out this way that would send people overseas to help--->maybe even in Canada. Without a doubt, I will do something like this in the very near future.

Well, how can I bring forth the truth??The way I act, speak, things I share. I'm not doing a very good job of that right now. Through everything, I haven't been a very good Christian. I mean that in the sense of walking the walk and talking the talk. When other people see me living my life...do they see me living it as a follower of Christ?? or just as someone who's a fake??

Well, it's time that I got serious about my walk with God, and my growth. I cherish my relationship with God more than anything else that this world has to offer. He comes number one in my life, everything else is secondary. And if there are people out there that cannot accept that...then that's just too bad! There are some things that are going to start to change in my life, they may be small and subtle....but they will change, with God's help things will start to work out for the better!!!

This wasn't just ranting, or writing a blog entry...this is what's impacting my life right now, wehre I am.

Well, I guess that this will probaly be the mother of all blogs. I woke up this morning with such a heavey heart. I dont know where I'm at, what Im doing, where I'm going. It feels like I'm bein trampled on in every which direction, the walls are closing in and I cannot grip onto anything to keep my head above water. So, I'll try my hardest to explain some of the chaos going on inside my head.

The Love word. Well, John told me that he loved me, when he said that it felt like shocks of electricity went through my body. I've never had anyone say that and truly mean it other than my parents and family. I told John, that until I'm ready to say it, I'm not going to say it at all. I dont want it to be taken lightly...I mean some people just throw it around like it's no big deal. Love to me is soooo powerful, and packed full of emotions and feelings, I want to make sure that when I say it to the right person, that they clearly realize what it is Im saying.

Another thing is this whole apartment idea. I've still got everyone telling me that I've moved way to fast without thinking, that I need to slow down and hold off. I think that I'm going to try it out. The worst that could happen is if John and I are just not compatible. It would be so hard living with someone tht you have such strong feelings for ....and now are not together...so, looking to the positive, I hope it does work out. It is however, still in the back of my mind.

On top of the whole apartment idea as well. I'm terrified that I wont be able to make rent. Sure, 450.00 or so...sounds good now...but what am I supposed to do if I cant afford it?????? I have to pay half....that's part of the deal. What's the point if I'm unable to contribute my 1/2. This idea is really aggrivating me.

Another thing...well, my mom is cured from cancer...not long though...about 3 years. But, everytime she has her checkup it makes my world come to a complete stop. I am so fearful that one of her next appointments...she'll hear the words "the cancer has returned" IT's terrifying for me, and for my mom. I know she beat it once, and could do it again. I know that if it were to happen again, I would leave everything to go and be with her...that's just how I am. I took complete care of her once, and I would do it again in less than a heartbeat.

These are just a couple of the things that are on my mind...theres tons more. But there is a thunderstorm happening outside...so, I'll have to write more later.


Thursday, July 5, 2007

Moving at the Speed of Light

So many things going through my head. I feel so close to saying those 3 small words that mean so much, but yet I feel so far away. I want to just dive in and say them, but I have to make sure that I mean them before I say them. Trust me, I have such strong feelings for John, but before I say "I love you" I just have to make sure. I'm so afraid of my heart getting broken again, and I'm so afraid to take the "lovers leap" because of it. I want this to be final...and I think and hope it could be...I'm just so afraid of loosing him. I know I talk continuously about past relationships, but that's all that I know. I'm so lucky for having found him that I just want it to remain.,..and I'm so just terrified that it's all going to crumble in front of me like it usually does. The fact that someone might like me...well, it's overwhelming....never thought anyone could like me again....let alone love. But John...he's just awesome...that's all I can say, and that's where I'll leave this.


Monday, July 2, 2007

Do you?

Name 7 things in your bag (or if you're male...wallet/ pocket):

1. Book
2.Schedule book
4.Hand lotion
5.Hand sanitizer
6.Personal stuff

Name 6 things you do when you're really stressed:
1. dont eat
2. get fidgety
3. Cry

Name 5 favorite fruits:
1. Bananas
2. cantaloupe
3. mangos
4. pineapple(especially fresh)
5. peaches

Name 4 names you go by:
1. Becky Jane
2. Beckers
3. Becks
4. Becky

Name 3 things you are wearing right now
1. blue capris
2. green tee
3. yellow flowered undies

What are you thinking about right now?
how hungry i am

Where is your phone?
in my room in my purse

Where do you sleep?
in my bed

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?

What was the last thing you ate?

What kind of cell phone service do you have?
telus pay and talk

What is the closest item near you that is blue?
mouse pad

What is the last movie you watched?
The Guardian

When did you last feel a tree with your bare hands?
ages ago

The Strange Eleven - Eleven odd facts about yourself:

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
this morning

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am?

3. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace page?

4 and 5 ??

6. What do you wish for?
To be happy, and live a meaningful life, surrounded by the ones I love and hold dear to my heart.

7. When was the last time you got really hurt?
emotionally--4mths ago. physically--5mths ago

8. Any plans for Friday night?
nope...well, i dunno

9. Something you are excited about?
getting to see John on Tuesday!

10. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?

11. Describe your key chains.
they're from dominican republic, and switzerland

1. Do you know anyone in prison?

2. If so, who?

3 And 4??

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?

6. what do you miss?
my home, my family, my sister, my grandparents

7. Are you named after a grandparent?

8. Who loves you?
my family

9. Have you ever broken a rib?

10. Would you rather be a girl or a guy?

11. Who is the most spoiled person you know?
one of my cousins...

12. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
that's a hard one. of course I'd rather have love.

13. Have you ever had sex in church?
That's just gross...No!

15. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older?

16. What's your favorite junk food?
zesty doritos, or jelly babies

17. Do you have hobbies or collect anything?
Scrapbooking, photography

18. Is your birthday on a holiday?
sometimes falls on thanksgivin weekend.

19. Are you old enough to vote?

20. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?
not now

21. Are you a vegetarian?
tried to be

22. Do you worry about global warming?

23. Do you like Polar bears?
they're cool

24. If you won the lottery what's the first thing you would buy?
a car

25. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbour?

26. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?
me be a marine biologist??? I doubt it.

28. Are you a country or city girl/boy?
I have both city and country in me

29. Are you taller than 5'6"?

30. Do you consider yourself spoiled?
nope. I work hard for what I have, I've bought everything myself.

Things about me

W H O . W A S . THE . L A S T . PERSON .
1. Rode in a car with?: Katherine
2. Went to the movies with?: John
3. Went to the mall with?: John
4. Talked on the phone to?: John
5. Made you laugh?: John

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R
.1. Pierce your nose or tongue?: nose (been there done that-tried to pierce my tongue too...it didnt work)
2. Be serious or be funny?: funny
3. Drink whole or skim milk?: skim
4. Die in a fire or get shot?: Get shot**it's quicker

A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y .
1. Do you like someone?: yes
2. Sun or moon?: Moon
3. Winter or Fall?: Fall
4. Left or right?: Right
5. Ten acquaintances or two best friends?: two best friends
6. Sunny or rainy?: sunny

A B O U T . Y O U .
1. What time is it?: 1:06am
2. Where do you wanna live?: Somewhere where it's pristine
3. How many kids do you want?: 10
5. Have you ever eaten spam?: probaly
6. Favorite ice cream?: Moose Tracks
7. What are you listening to?: The computer, and my fingers clicking on the keyboard
8. Do you cook?: yes
9. Current mood?: happy and content

I N . T H E . L A S T . 7 2 . H O U R S . H A V E . Y O U
.1. Kissed Someone?: yes
2. Sang?: Of course
3. Been hugged?: yes
4. Felt stupid?: yes
5. Missed someone?: yes
6. Danced Crazy?: yes...did that tonight at canada day night
7. Gotten your hair cut?: nope
8. Cried?: yes...Im homesick okay!
9. Lied?: no

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?: no
2. Do you have a dog?: yes, at home...names "Oatmeal"
3. Last time you went sledding?: Winter past in Pasadena
4. Do you consider yourself creative?: yes

Canada Day

Well, Happy Birthday Canada!!!

This morning I went for a bike ride with my mom #2. We did about 15km...it was a nice trip!! Then I went to work....that was something after the bike ride. This afternoon wasn't too bad....it was quite busy...but not as bad as yesterday. They had me covering self checkouts for a bit, then put me on clean up, then stuck me on cash....then finally I went back on Self Checkouts. Later on, it was immensely dead....no, really. After work, my house mom picked me up, and we went to see the fireworks....they were nice, and better than some of the ones that I'm used to. Plus the band arrogant worms was playing, and they did play this one saskatchewan (sp?) song that John has downloaded...it was cool...nice ending to a long day at work! I guess this is it for now...maybe I'll post something else....who knows.


Sunday, July 1, 2007

One Month

It's official, John and I have survived one month together. YAY!! We did it! He was so sweet, and shy when he asked "Would you like to be my girlfriend?" It was cute :o) So, this is the first month of hopefully many more to come. YAY Babe!! We did it!!


Saturday, June 30, 2007

New Beginnings

Well, I am proud and happy to say that John and I will be moving into our new apartment on August 1st!!!!!

The damage deposit was paid on this past Friday...curtesy of John. I tried to pay half and he told me to pay it later...which was nice of him, very nice indeed.

So, I got to spend a day/night with John. It was awesome...after not seeing each other for two weeks...well, it was long over due time spent together. We went out for supper for Chinese to this place called "Smilies" it was nice...service was good there. Then he took me to show me where he worked...and wanted to show me off to his co-workers. It's a nice casino where he works, people seem down to earth. Then he took me to show me the new apartment...where we would be living. The travelling distance to and from his work when we move into the new place will be like two minutes rather than 15 or more(I'm guessing cause I have no idea)

So, after that we went back to his place and watched "Children of Men"....not what I thought...I dont think I would reccommend that movie to anyone. Then that was it. (What? Do you think I'm going to tell all my secrets?:P)

*So, on another note, I think all the cycling has paid off...I wore my pants the other day that I put in the dryer...usually when you do that...thye kinda shrink a little...well, they were too big. Just a size or so...but still ...the fact that that happened...it was such an awesome feeling!!!

So, John and I both have the 3rd and 4th off together...YAY!!!!! --too bad we couldnt go camping then...but that's okay...there will be time later for that.

you know what....I'm just sooooo happy...really I am. I'm with the most awesomest person that I could imgaine....he treats me unbelievably well.....and he's just ...awesome.

Well, that's it for now...more later.


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Everythings all at once!

So, I tried writing on myspace, however it wouldnt allow me to do so...I gave up after two days of trying, and opened up this account, hopefully it'll work much much better.

So, for my first blog on this site...I'll talk of how some new thigns are happening in my life.

First and formost, I have a boyfriend...of almost a month (July 1st) we immediately clicked, and we have very similiar goals...both wanting to get married, have kids, move back east...that sorta thing. *Not in any particular order* We've even talked about moving in together...and well, August 1st it'll become a reality for us both. John looked at this one apartment, and now the damage deposit will be put on it on Friday. It'll be a 1 bedroom, which'll be nice. My only question is...and I dont want to think about this, because I'm quite optimistic....but, what if we dont work out...what if something goes wrong??? Will we be able to communicate through it. I think we're two both strong people, and I'm sure theres bound to be arguments and times when we'll both want to throw in the towel...and say "thats it!" <---I really hope this doesn't happen...but life is not covered by rose coloured glasses 24/7/365.

I really hope that John is the one...you know, that person that everyone is searching for ....I really hope that my search has come to an end. He seems like he is. I dont know why though...and I'm trying so hard, I reall am...and maybe it's from my past...getting hurt and all....I'm so afraid that because everything is going so well, that somethings bound to happen. I kick myself everytime for thinking like that...because I know I shouldnt. I'm just scared to loose him, he really means so much to me. I dont want to loose him. I mean, I've been lied to soooo many times, I've had my heart broken even many more times...and it's finally when I like someone and they might actually like me back....it's always crumbled before me. I keep thinking what do I have to offer, what can I give in a relationship...I dont have much of a heart left that isn't broken. However, when John holds me close to him, I know that I'm safe. Make sense or not...it's my thoughts, and it doenst have to make complete sense.

We've been apart for two weeks now...and it's driving us both crazy...so, tomorrow evening, he's picking me up from work...and we're just gonna spend the evening together with each other :o) I'm soooo very happy about that. I'm quite excited about it...can't wait to see him again! Like I said...he honestly means so much to me.

I can't guarentee him when, but one day he will hear those 3 words. I just have to make sure without a single doubt in my mind, that he's for me!

Well, that's enough blabbing....I'll write more later...maybe get back into poetry....it's my favourite.