My best friend and past roomate Dawn and I had this thing we would always say..."brain farts" It was when we had sudden bursts of ideas...kinda like farting. Well, here are some random brain farts going on in my head, now passed along onto this.
First off, it's getting quite close to my bf's and mine moving day. I'm really excited, but Im really scared. I'm terrified that I wont find work, even though I know I shouldn't have a problem. I'm thinking I might apply to the Photo Center at WalMart....rather than work in Wal Mart itself. I'm also terrified that I might not be able to afford the rent, plus bills....I could go to the library to use the internet there, not watch tv...only movies, and play ps2, and I wont use the phone...just use a calling card. All these things are going through my mind...plus more....I think a lot, I really do...about everything, and yes it causes stress. It's happened before...I've lost my appetite due to it, I've lost my hair to stress, I've even made myself really really sick by stressing, I'm suprised I dont end up in an instutition. But I guess that's a part of who I am...although I dont really like that part. This is the real thing! I keep telling myself that, and need to give myself a good kick in the pants...but who am I kidding....how on earth am I going to be able to do this!!! See, here I go again...stressing....It's a wonder why I haven't lost all my hair now. Yes, I worry a lot...ask Dawn...she'll tell you....It's an unusal amount for a young woman.
So, our relationship...things are going great. I'm still trying to grasp onto the fact that he's still here. It's just not quite 2 months into our relationship...he hasn't bolted running...but because Im still brokenhearted (which is normal, seeing what I've been through...ask Dawn) It's so hard for me to figure out how someone can love me....and I know why I haven't said those words yet. John told me why...and he read my mind exactly...it's because I'm afraid that as soon as I say them...everything will come crashing down like it did before. Maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone at all...maybe that's why I have such a rotten time with men. And if that's not the reason ...than what is....I just finally want to find the man who God has out there for me...yes GOD....not me!!!
From what my best friend Dawn told me...John has simply wowed her....I trust my best friend with everything....and of course I believe her...however when she tells me that she thinks that this guy could be the one for me....it still runs through my mind...do I deserve him??? He deserves much more than me, much more than I could ever offer. Im still trying every day to get through this.
Another thing that is on my mind...he told me that I was beautiful. The only people who ever told me that were my mom and dad. I've never had anyone say it and mean it...so, forgive me if I dont know how to react...it's completely new to me.
Well, I guess thats enough with the brain farts....i've gotta go to bed......
11 months ago