Thursday, July 19, 2007

Peachy Keen

Maybe becuase it's that time of the month, or becuase I'm just in a weird mood, but either way...I needed to write a blog about some things that a special someone should know about.

I grew up as a happy person, I was always content...nothing ever really bothered me. However, there were points in my life that I did try to inflict harm on myself.

I can remember once when I hated the way I looked...I was never small, but never huge....this one time I read in a magazine about girls throwing up...and the food wouldnt have an impact on their bodies. Well, I tried it...nothing happend...I just made myself urge, and stomach sick.

Another time, I can remember, I chipped a part of my tooth...I stopped eating for 3 weeks...it was a perfect opportunity to not eat food...and no one really knew about it. I didnt eat at the dinner table, I told mom that I had eaten earlier...anything to get out of it. Well, it didnt last very long.

Another way I tried to hurt myself was by taking a knife to my wrist...it didn't work...I chickened out. I also tried to take a knife to my throat...I chickend out on that one too.

When I was living in Corner Brook, with my bf at the time. I had to go in for dental surgery. Well, before I knew about that...I had taken on an addiction to pills...just tylenol-extra strength. I took as many as 10 pills at a time...then a couple of hours later, it would be 4-6...then more and then more...I think in a period of two weeks, I went through two large bottles of tylenol extra strength. Then came time for the surgery...for after pain, I was perscribed Atasol 30 with codine. I was to only take one as needed. Well, I took them like candy...they didnt have any effect on me. I can remember at one point a couple of weeks later still popping those tylenol that I overdosed on them. I never went into hospital...but I got really dizzy, nautious, and stomach sick. That didnt stop me. I tried to, but I just couldnt. My bf threated to put me into some sort of rehab unless I got help...I lied to him, and told him that I got help-just so that he wouldnt.

I can remember trying to come off that addiction...when I moved back to Labrador City. My best guy friend Jeff was always there for me...he helped me through that time. However, when I went to bible college (believe it or not) I started back up again...I just couldn't get enough pills inside me. I dont know what happened, but about 6mths into school....I didnt have the desire to take any more pills...and I slowly stopped. But then other things took over. I tried to loose weight again...I would skip all the meals I could, and only when people nearly hauled me to the cafeteria I would get a small salad plate, and eat salad... I can also remember trying to kill myself in college. Many times I sat there with a knife and tried and I mean really tried to either slit my throat or wrist...or just drive it through me. But, again..it didnt work...I just couldnt do it. I can also remember walking down town many times and nearly stepping out in front of a car wanting to take my life.

So, this is what I've been through....No, I've never sought help for it...I've just taken it stride by stride. Is it depression??? I dunno...do I still have it?? I dont know...have no idea.

What is my life like now...I no longer have a need to take pills constantly like I did. And I will only take them if I am near death in pain. I havent had the desire to take my life in almost 5 years...so, I am doing pretty good with that. I do get depressed sometimes, but not as much as I used to. Life is not all roses for me, and I do go through a lot...I cant say that my battle is over....it's far from it...Im still trying to keep my head above water....my faith is all that I have to rely on. I know that God is healing me...he's the only one...

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