Saturday, July 7, 2007

Well, I guess that this will probaly be the mother of all blogs. I woke up this morning with such a heavey heart. I dont know where I'm at, what Im doing, where I'm going. It feels like I'm bein trampled on in every which direction, the walls are closing in and I cannot grip onto anything to keep my head above water. So, I'll try my hardest to explain some of the chaos going on inside my head.

The Love word. Well, John told me that he loved me, when he said that it felt like shocks of electricity went through my body. I've never had anyone say that and truly mean it other than my parents and family. I told John, that until I'm ready to say it, I'm not going to say it at all. I dont want it to be taken lightly...I mean some people just throw it around like it's no big deal. Love to me is soooo powerful, and packed full of emotions and feelings, I want to make sure that when I say it to the right person, that they clearly realize what it is Im saying.

Another thing is this whole apartment idea. I've still got everyone telling me that I've moved way to fast without thinking, that I need to slow down and hold off. I think that I'm going to try it out. The worst that could happen is if John and I are just not compatible. It would be so hard living with someone tht you have such strong feelings for ....and now are not, looking to the positive, I hope it does work out. It is however, still in the back of my mind.

On top of the whole apartment idea as well. I'm terrified that I wont be able to make rent. Sure, 450.00 or so...sounds good now...but what am I supposed to do if I cant afford it?????? I have to pay half....that's part of the deal. What's the point if I'm unable to contribute my 1/2. This idea is really aggrivating me.

Another thing...well, my mom is cured from cancer...not long though...about 3 years. But, everytime she has her checkup it makes my world come to a complete stop. I am so fearful that one of her next appointments...she'll hear the words "the cancer has returned" IT's terrifying for me, and for my mom. I know she beat it once, and could do it again. I know that if it were to happen again, I would leave everything to go and be with her...that's just how I am. I took complete care of her once, and I would do it again in less than a heartbeat.

These are just a couple of the things that are on my mind...theres tons more. But there is a thunderstorm happening, I'll have to write more later.


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